


even if it takes all night (or a hundred years)

by xNailedIt



Series: This Is Not How it Ends [2]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fix-It, Force Soulmates, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reincarnation, Second Chances, Soft Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 02:20:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21909745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xNailedIt/pseuds/xNailedIt
Summary: post rise of skywalkerA nineteen year old with no family and no dreams except the ones which haunt her nights with infinite burdens. A man with more issues than his therapists can count, searching for the words to put in the spaces of poetry.the force works in mysterious ways.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: This Is Not How it Ends [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1575160
Comments: 23
Kudos: 118





	even if it takes all night (or a hundred years)

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write a reincarnation fic so much after watching tros, lemme treat my babies with all the respect and love they needed, you rats.

The needles felt a bit like old pain. 

Not because of heroin, even with the darkest nightmares in her mind she never resulted to that. Although; she had considered it many times. No, she was of an alcohol type, if the chance ever came up. Rarely she bought her own liquors, it was shitty that job of hers, but there aren't many to choose from when you're nineteen and without even a highschool degree, not seeing the appeal of a career in anything. 

But she'd been saving for this ink, somehow very intrigued and eager to see what it was like to live with chosen lines on your skin. She already had the scars. It wasn't much, but maybe the wounds of the past made her pain resistant. 

There was a time when pain meant something entirely different from the pin pricks of the present. So her skin has grown thick, bulletproof. 

She's being reckless, Finn sometimes tells her, without any right to do so. Finn is her best friend, one person who's come within an inch of understanding her, but there are many things he will never come to know. 

He was an orphan like her, but he had been taken in before. It didn't work out. That was quite alright though, because he had Poe. She didn't know how they met, she never asked. She chose to let it be that way. Thinking that it would keep the magic of all of them being friends again. 

Finn didn't have a foster family but he stayed with Poe and that was better than a family that sidelined him. She was happy for them, she always knew they had a better connection than she ever had with the both of them. 

She stays in an apartment, of just the necessary, with a roommate. At first, she was not eager to share her space, but when she saw who her roommate was, she was at peace. She never told Rose that she knew her, she knew better and so, they just occasionally talk. It's enough for her. 

She will not repeat the same mistake. The hollowness after starting to tell Finn and realizing he thought she was paranoid, is not forgotten. 

"Thanks." 

She walks out of the parlor, to the wet pavement. It rained, but now there are only little drops here and there. With hands inside the pockets of her jacket, she longs to be home. Without knowing where that is, was, or will be. 

She didn't realize what the dreams were until she was old enough to wonder why anyone would doubt their credibility. When she couldn't explain her athleticism in gymnastics, her fast reflexes. When she couldn't explain why she felt the need to put her hair in three buns, because no one did that, so it's stupid and weird. She only did it in her apartment sometimes, looked in the mirror and felt like a shell of a person. 

However, her dreams these days are not pictures to her memories. They're a mix of her modern life and her old. Strange to dream of different worlds but it was the only place she felt like herself. Something she had a trouble with for... A while. 

She wondered, often, why she was the only one who remembered. 

She wondered, way too often, if she would ever find him again. Surely, he was here too? She's found so many from her old life, there's no way he hasn't come back too. 

But it's a dangerous thought, to think that he's out there somewhere. It ruins her calm, it makes her have an excruciating feeling called panic, or it makes her yearn. She has to have hope, she is aware of that. She has to wait and hope that he will find her too. 

It was around this time that they met before, wasn't it? She was the same age. That's what she told herself, even though Finn and Poe met way before Finn met her. 

It's nearly Christmas, an event tonight that they've told her to come to. Something in her tells her that she should go. But she's been wrong about this feeling before. 

She had been good at waiting. Until she hadn't. 

* * *

She doesn't go. 

The sky is clear and peaceful. She looks up to that and she wonders if he's under the same sky. She shakes her head. She should be thankful she even has the luck to be with Finn and Poe and Rose. 

She wishes that was enough. 

* * *

Her friends don't understand why she hasn't got relationships to talk about, they don't understand that she vowed to never love again, light years ago. 

Work is good, it takes mind off things. Pubs, coffee shops, bars. She switches between them from time to time. Being a mechanic had crossed her mind in the past, but she had scavenged enough for two lifetimes. 

One thing that seemed to be a good new hobby was drawing. Endless lines and colors, to remember everyone. She kept them secret of course, under her mattress, because even if they looked bonkers, they meant so much. 

* * *

Anxious. 

There's something anxious about today. 

She knows the Force doesn't exist here, but she still feels it. Not the power, but the same sort of intuition guiding her. She feels it strongly today. 

At work she's practically on her toes, waiting for the moment she leaves so she can go and see what it means. Her dreams were cruel last night, full of dark places and a red light. 

It's the end of her shift and she walks and walks ahead and away, but as soon as she feels like she's reached her destination, the feeling dissipates. 

She's just starting to realize that she's cold. Her clothing is thin and the weather is starting to worsen. She exhales into the falling dark, curious, yet disappointed at the lack of events. Her phone is buzzing with a text. She ignores it and blinks. 

She's on the edge of a forest, she might as well, explore. There won't be light on the horizon for a few hours to come, darkest dusk reigning the clouds. She isn't scared of the dark, not anymore. 

Stepping into the forest, her mind can't help but slip into old habits. She runs. 

_Trees, insects, dirt, all part of a universal power._

_Nature, life, decay, peace._

_Noise of battle, of coming ships, gunshots. Her beating heart wild with fear._

She shakes her head, but the flashes don't stop.

_A pain coming from a hit against a trunk, her skin burning with snow. Dizziness. Crumbling ground, a need to kill all her targets, anger, anger at not making better time than before._

_They found her; she shot first. Survival._

She looked at the empty spots the tall trees left on the sky ceiling. She could barely make out the stars. Darkness would be giving way to dawn. 

She lowered herself to the dirt, trying to calm herself. The flashes were real, she was sure they were, but they weren't happening now. She had to make them go away. 

_Sizzling energy, a masked demon, a pair of heart-stopping eyes, sweat and strength pouring out of her. Colors, black and blue, red and white._

Hiding her head in her hands, tremors in her body, she waited for the memories to stop. 

_Make it stop-make it stop- I don't want to see the rest-_

_A snarl, an attack and the prey belongs to the lion. The demon falls, there's an ugly cut on his face. But is it a punished demon or a shattered angel that she leaves behind?_

* * *

She stayed unmoving, unseeing, until the birds were chirping their morning prayers. 

Unfolding from her cocoon, she stands and tries to track her way back, face blank, almost in a frown.

With hands inside her pockets, she starts to sense the feeling she did when she came here. She ignores it, just moves with easy steps towards the road, patient. 

Rustling went by her ears and she paid no mind, probably some animal and she didn't want to upset it. Gradually, it made her stumble.

Then for a few seconds, the feeling reached its peak, blinded her like a beeping alarm to the eardrums and she realized this was something she felt before she met others... Like her. 

She was almost frightened to look up, but she did so, unable to control her exhilaration. But she only faced more trees. Perplexed, she looked right and left until, soundlessly a figure appeared. 

Her breath stopped. She stood frozen, horrified to blink, in case the illusion disappeared. 

She'd recognize that face anywhere. It was from a life ago, somewhere far into the stars, yet unchanged by time. She'd been waiting for him since before she was born and it felt like a brick to her pulse.

There's a million things she want to do; cry, laugh, scream, jump, run, touch- but they paralyze her. 

She fights the tears that threaten to overwhelm her, she doesn't know what page he's on in this moment and the possibility that he doesn't remember her is very likely, considering how everyone else does not. 

But, fucking hell, she really wishes he did. If no one else, let it be _him._

By some miracle, could it be that he remembered her, judging from what he uttered? "Rey," 

For a second she was her, he was him, black cape and suit, thousands of monsters in his head. She wanted him to remember her so much that she heard her name, like an echo of the past. 

Foolish, perhaps he was afterthoughts from her episode. She couldn't let herself hope, or she'd never recover. 

"What did you say?" She asked lowly, snapping from the frozen state, as if she was motionless against his hold, using the Force.

He flinches, shaken. He opens his mouth, swallows and says with a small voice, "I said, hey." 

What was she thinking?

The effect of hearing his voice after so many years, though, is sending delightful shivers down in her body, blossoming in patterns. 

"What are you doing here?" She lets out a little too fast, taking a ragged breath and inwardly cringes. 

Confusion visibly passes through his features, he eyes her up and down and then his voice is more solid. "I could ask you the same."

She eyes him up and down in return. "I asked you first."

He moves his mouth, looking for words but doesn't make a sound for a few seconds. "It's none of your business." She almost smiles at the familiar atmosphere, the fiery storms in both of them. Instead of smiling out of nowhere though, she presses her lips together to a line, looking at his shoes. 

It's now starting to hit her that this isn't a simulation and if she doesn't say or do the right thing, she won't see him again. 

_fuck._

But at the sound of his voice again, vulnerable and almost shy, she raised her eyes and feels relieved. "I," He starts and looks to the side. "I wanted...Somewhere quiet to sit and- write." He twists his jaw like the admission cost him.

Her eyes blink and, " _write?_ " She's incredulous and positively surprised. 

Is his complexion the slightest bit pink? She can't tell. "What's _your_ excuse?"

This time she does curl the corners of her lips a bit. "I had a feeling. And I like forests." She added, the first part sounding silly in the air.

He nods, looking like he wants to say something but he doesn't. She takes a deep breath and with a genuine smile, she introduces herself, worried about keeping this going, needing to stay a little longer. 

He just found her, she just found him, she can't just let him go. 

"I'm Rey." 

His eyes focus on hers, intensity flickering. Always good at that. "I'm Ben."

Her breath hitched in her throat, locking her eyes on his as she extended her hand for a handshake, out of habit, then realizing how much it meant for her. 

He stared at her hand for a moment, put his notebook in his other hand and wrapped his hand which was large in hers but still a perfect fit, skin smooth and soft, hold gentle. 

She thought, _this is a second chance._

"So did you write anything?" 

* * *

In a few days time, she learned that he was so much like before, it physically pained her and then comforted her. 

He really did write, he never let her see any of it, but he said it was bad poetry, junks of phrases lost. 

His mother was a politician, his father a pilot. She wasn't surprised. What he did for a living she guessed was actually write, he aspired to be a novelist, if anything. His parents weren't happy with the idea she could guess, but he hinted at it as well. 

It seemed like he was going through similar things. The way he talked about his family- disconnected, distant. But, his alter ego would stay only an artistic title for his work and nothing else, this time. 

He still had a tremor in his left eye, he still looked like he was about to crumble; in pieces or in flames. It both worried her and fulfilled her. Maybe because it was exactly like when she saw it last, because she wondered if he was on the verge of something dark he had to be saved from once more and she didn't know. She couldn't just kill it now.

He seemed unwilling to part with her presence as much as she had, that day. She wanted to find a way to contact him, but she didn't want to seem too eager. In ways she was talking to a stranger, even if 'stranger' didn't sit well with her. 

He had been the half lost part of her. 

She had asked for his phone and he didn't ask why, just stuttered and gave it to her. She wrote her number, under her first name and gave it back to him with a "See you around." 

She paused and looked at him intensely, it was hard for her to turn her back on him, but eventually she did, and ran for her motorcycle. 

The tears had started spilling without warning, against the morning wind across her face, but she had been smiling. She put earbuds in and listened for first time in a while to sugary pop that makes your chest explode with cheer. 

She was alive, he was alive, the future is brighter than ever. 

Her friends noticed the change in her behavior. It was a pleasant surprise, but when they asked about it, she couldn't find any words to explain. So she just brushed it off, she said she had a good night's sleep. 

Ironic really, she had zero sleep. 

His face, lively, beautiful and _right there_ kept popping into her head and she zoned out of conversations. They didn't press, but she could see that they didn't believe her. 

It had been two days since she saw him and it is already starting to feel like a delirious fantasy. 

She looks at her phone and thinks that if he knew her, if he felt any connection he would've called or something. Right? In the end, she probably truly conjured him up as a comfort to her loneliness. 

"Rey? Rey?"

She snapped out of her thoughts and looked at an irritated Finn. "What?" She asked sheepishly. 

He shook his head. "What's up with you these days?" 

"Nothing!" She countered, looking into her cup of warm chocolate. She brought it to her lips and just as Finn was going to add something else, her phone rang. 

It was an unknown number. 

Heart in her throat, she answered it, with slow motions and spoke with hesitance. "Yes?" 

A deep sigh in the other line. 

_"It's me, uh, Ben from- the forest."_

She huffed, stupid smile on her face. "Okay. What's up?" She bit her lip. 

_"Nothing, uh wanted to make sure... the number was real."_

"It is." She said softly. 

_Silence. A huff of a laugh. "Good. I hope to see you soon, Rey."_

_A huff of a laugh. And then deathly silence._

"I do too." She managed to get out, before she ended the call and stared at the empty screen. 

She sighed.

And sighed again.

"Okay, what the hell?" 

She looked up. Finn was staring at her with a smirk, Poe right there out of a sudden, with a matching smug look and crossed arms. 

A pause. "When did you get here?" She asked oblivious. 

"That's not the point, sunshine. Who's the guy? Why haven't you told us anything? Come on, spill." Poe prompted. 

"It's not like that."

"You're blushing." 

"I'm not!" 

Finn sighs. "Okay, what is it like, then?"

That makes her think. She could just say he's a friend but they know her friends at this point are only them, they know her roommate, they know her co-workers. Just like how she knows theirs. 

So that wasn't an option. Still, she knew she couldn't say the full truth. Not now, not ever. "He's just someone I met by accident." 

Of course it wasn't an accident, it was whatever there's left of the Force in this wrecked world. If she has prayed to gods of religions this would have been her reward. 

"What's his name?" Finn asks. 

She knows they wouldn't realize who he is, but her chest is still tight when she says it. "Ben."

"Where did you meet him?" 

The real answer would be off-putting and creepy. She didn't want them to have a bad idea of him... "Just, the street. We bumped into each other."

But that doesn't exactly make them happy either. "And he has your number." Poe states. 

She nods, looking at the coffee table. "Well, how long ago was that?"

She could lie but she doesn't like lying and she's already done that once already. "Two days ago." 

Poe looks just confused, Finn looks stunned. "You gave your number to someone you met by accident on the street." Rey inhales and looks away. "Rey, what were you thinking? He could be a psycho- nevermind you definitely weren't thinking." He says with disappointment, shaking his head. 

She's annoyed, he's doing that again. But before she can defend herself, Poe steps in. "He's right, Rey, I mean you don't even know this guy."

"Exactly! You became victim to a pair of pretty eyes just like that? That's not like you." Finn says with exasperation. 

She stands abruptly, gritting her teeth at the same words echoing back to her. "You have no idea what I'm like." 

Finn stands as well. "Really, I don't? I've known you more time than anyone. You never think before you act and you never accept it when someone's telling you that you're being naive but really I did not think you would be so stupid as to give a random stranger the convinience of tracking you down any time of the day." 

"Finn-" Poe tried. 

Tears pricked the back of her eyelids. "I guess you never really understood me."

"Fucking hell, I try to!" 

"I know him, so stop it!" She cried out desperately and unable to see an escape from this fight, not really believing that she's fighting with Finn. 

"You know him? From these two days?" 

"No!" She winced. "From before." 

"That's good then-" 

Finn cut him off. "Not it's not. Rey, please don't tell you're saying what I think you're saying." He laughed bitterly, palm on his forehead. "No, no. You can't be that paranoid, that far gone, can you? Tell me I'm wrong." 

The hot tears fell and Rey found herself taking her phone and her jacket and walking to the door. Poe called after her, but she didn't look back. She left their apartment and took the elevator. 

So that's what her best friend thinks of her. Naive, paranoid, stupid, reckless. 

She really _was_ made to be alone, wasn't she?

She walked out, went on her motorcycle and rode the way to her apartment in a rush, her tears on hold for a little bit before the faucet could go all the way. 

As soon as she was inside the door, she let out a whimper. "Rey? Are you okay?" 

Of course Rose would be there in the living area, the one time she didn't want to be seen. "I'm fine." She said with a voice betraying her and a sniffling nose. 

Falling into her bed, she sobbed into her pillow. _I'm not paranoid-I'm not paranoid-I'm not paranoid-_

_I'm Rey from Jakku, I'm nineteen and I'm not paranoid. I had the Force. I'm not paranoid._

_I'm not paranoid-I'm not-I'm not-I'm not._

Instinctively she reached under her mattress and took out her drawings. Droids, planets, warriors. 

_I'm not alone._

~~I am I am I am I am~~

Her sweatshirt was becoming wet with her tears, but she just blinked them away to see her drawings better. 

_I'm not paranoid!_

Kylo Ren, in all his glory, black cape, leather gloves, crossguard lightsaber. She never thought she would find solace in looking at that. 

She shoved them back under her mattress. 

~~I am~~

She reached for her phone, recent calls and she mindlessly pressed his number. She didn't even know what she going to say, she just knew that he was what she needed. If he couldn't console her either, then...

Then, she really is nobody and nothing. 

Maybe she should finally listen to Finn and go to therapy. They have pills, they have medicine for her illness. Seeing people? Hearing voices? And what she thought was her intuition? Remnants of the Force? It was just manic episodes weren't they? 

_"Hi."_ Said a voice like a full stop to her crescendoing madness. 

"I'm-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called-"

_"Rey? Are you-"_

"I just didn't know what else to do." Her voice is pained and weak. "I'm probably bothering you, I'll just hang up." She lowers her hand holding the mobile to her ear but then she ears a very defining "No." 

" _You aren't bothering me."_ And she knows he isn't just saying it. _"How.. could I make you feel better?"_

She almost lets out a choked sob at that. Her bottom lip is raw when she says, "I want to see you." Slowly, embarrassed. 

A gasp. _"Where?"_

She sniffles and speaks an address. "It's my apartment." She holds her breath, scared to hear his rejection of the suggestion. 

_"I-"_

"Uh-" She rubbed a hand on her forehead, thinking what a big idiot she is, how much of a difficult position she's put him in, wanting to take it all back-

_"I'll be there soon."_

She puts her phone away from her ear, stares at the wall in disbelief. She wipes the tears on her face, stands up and looks at the mirror at the end of her bed. 

Panic seized her, she started pacing up and down her room, biting her lips, wondering what he was expecting from her. If he expected anything at all. If she did.

Should she actually be thinking about Ben being dangerous? Her gut told her no and there was no point in questioning what she couldn't answer to right now but in a couple of minutes. 

In the end, she found that she didn't care. 

Soon could mean a lot of things, it could mean minutes, hours, days, months, never. She could do it, right now, he'd never know, they'd never know. 

She opened her wooden drawer, didn't know for how long she stared at it until she took it out. She hates falling back into old habits but it's what she always ends up doing. 

It was cold in her palm, she sat back to her bed, gaze empty, mind empty. 

Empty, alone. 

She barely registered the ring of the doorbell, she sat still. Somewhere between Rose opening the front door and him asking where she was, she tried in haste to hide it again.

She cursed and pushed the drawer shut. She stood up and watched as he opened her door. He was wearing a long coat, black trousers. "Rey?" He scanned the place, then focused on her again. "What happened?" Worry laced in every vowel and consonant. 

She shook her head. 

He walked closer to her, stumbling on something on the way. She looked for an explanation to her pathetic call for him. "I had a- big fight with my best friend, but I guess it's not only that, it's just been a lot, lately." 

Her eyes went to his hands. He had picked up what he stumbled over, a wrinkled paper. She connected her brows and neared him. 

It was two black figures with blue and red swords, shades of dark purple around them. She practically ripped it from his hands and balled it in her first. "Don't look at that." Her voice was sharp and her nostrils flared.

He just looked at her. She didn't recognize the shock in his eyes. "What is that?" His question was voiced with patience and calm, like he was talking to an angry animal. 

"Nothing. It's nothing." She sounded angry and betrayed, her composure completely in pieces before she covered her face with her hands and added brokenly, "it's nothing." 

She felt hesitant, trembling hands reaching for hers, attempting to uncover her. Looking up at him, she saw eyes full of emotion, almost spilling tears themselves. She let him take her hands away, she let him place his thumb across her stained cheeks and breathe in her breath as he rested his forehead on hers.

With the fingertips of her left hand she touched the side of his jaw. A long tiring breath was released and she saw his mouth shape a faint smile. Just like before, but not. 

"Rey, Rey, Rey," He said in hushed whispers and she felt all the frozen, still dead parts of herself melting away. And the want to feel those torturous lips for the first time in so many unbearable years, was stronger than the possibility she was the only one with memories. 

So she reached forward and he met her halfway-like he had- his strong arms circling her waist. Unlike the very first time, the kiss didn't stop at the hard press of their lips, instead, he moved his own and she followed, and she brought her other hand into his hair, as he let out a little gasp against her mouth. 

A greater power consumed him and her as he pulled back kissed her lips once, twice, before she opened them and _oh-_ she felt his tongue in her mouth and her toes curled, heart running at lightspeed.

She pulled away and he groaned, gaze of something she was scared to name, but it gave her the confidence to sit him down on the bed and climb in his lap. Her hands lost themselves in his soft hair, hair that she wanted to unravel since the moment she saw him by the fire.

His were back on her waist but this time pushing the fabric around, like he was in control just enough to stop himself. She kissed his addictive lips, breathing hard, and bit his bottom lip with newfound desire only to pant directly into his open mouth afterwards. 

He was shaking, she sensed it in the way he took fists of her clothing and the fast pace of his chest rising up and down against her own. She looked into his eyes and she saw a look like he wanted to her to _ruin_ him and she she wanted him to see it in hers how much she wanted to do it.

Locking his eyes on hers, his large hands went to her thighs, caressed them gently and pulled her off, letting her down on the matress while her hands were still bound around his neck. He came down with her and his fingers caressed her cheek, her lips, while he breathed against her ear and sent shivers down her spine. "Rey, my Rey," 

He was like warm water to a pained body and her breaths staggered and vanished. Among the blooming pleasure, she smiled softly at what he said, realizing it made her happy to hear it. He kissed the skin of her neck, "my scavenger." 

Her mouth went slack and she pulled his face upwards to look into his eyes. He was grinning, happiness written across every inch of his beautiful face. Heartbeat doing cartwheels, she felt overwhelmed. Her throat was dry but her eyes weren't. He remembers. _He remembers._ "I- I missed you so much." 

Hands on the sides of her head, his mouth is on her temples, a kiss like the sweetest medicine. Lips touch her fluttering lashes, the drops gathering at the corners of her lids. Rey smiles in absolute bliss and she can see in his expression how much adoration he holds for her, it's shining in the dark stars of his eyes.

It takes her breath away in the best way possible. No one ever looked at her like this, no one ever would, except from him. 

"You torment me," He whispered with a faint laugh, gazing at her lips. "All I ever thought about was you, that kiss." He nuzzles her throat, "I've been looking for you...so long, Rey." 

Her hand finds his, she brings it to her lips, kisses it and intertwines their fingers. The action makes him break in another tearful grin. He rests his forehead to hers as a joyful, quiet peace envelops the space between them.

Ben feels his chest heavy with happiness, with a hurricane of relief and a dose of doubt. He needs to say it now he thinks, she has to know all that this, _she_ means to him. He never got the chance to say it before, one of his deepest regrets. 

"I know that I will never deserve you." 

She's surprised and confused and ready to protest. "Of course you do." She caresses his cheeks.

He leans into her touch, shutting his eyes. "Maybe one day." He opens them and swallows. His hand takes her right and places it where his heart should be. The beat is rapid. "You are everything to me." He takes a deep breath and looks for her reaction, ears red.

"Ben..." She trails off, at a loss for words. _This is what love feels like._

She takes his other hand and carefully places over her heart. Honest, open, she doesn't take her eyes away from his. "You make me whole." She says. "You make me feel like I _belong._ "

He kisses her, deeply, sweetly. Fingers roam his nape, trying to slip through and he lets himself be pushed back, sitting upright as she pulls off his coat. He's dazed, as she tugs at his shirt and takes it off, pale porcelain skin on display. Fingertips caress and he shivers at her touch, falling into her shoulder. 

He has a mark on his stomach. It looks more like a birthmark but she knows what she did to that exact spot, light years ago. It hurts to see it, but she has accepted her mistakes. 

She bites his neck, her arms envelopping the planes of his back, she kisses collarbones, she kisses and kisses and then he does until they're a tangled mess of pleasure. His body is a map she wants to explore, but not necessarily find the way back.

Hers? Her body is absolution, heaven in his grasp, in his mouth, in all his senses. 

He moans desperately and she loves it, she loves the effect she has on him, she loves how he says her name like it's only thing that makes sense anymore, because it's exactly what she wants. 

He's exactly what she wants. 

"Rey, Rey, Rey,"

The blood in her veins is on fire and she falls off the highest cloud, tripping over starlight. The muscles in their bodies are worn out, he settles in her embrace, her fingers in his black mane and just like that, they have the most satisfying sleep they can remember. 

Because they weren't paranoid. 

And if they were, well at least now they would be crazy together. 

_If this is a dream, don't let me wake up._

* * *

Eventually, they do wake up. Her before him, and she is blessed by the view of his face, unaware. 

She breathes in and looks to the side for her phone, stretches her arm as quietly as she can. It's a few hours early for work, so she relaxes and puts it down, despite the calls from Finn.

She could live like this, waking up with him by her side every morning. It's such a stark contrast to waking up alone like she had all her life-lives. She likes it. 

Her hands can't be helped from weaving through his locks again, like she had in passion. 

_Passion._

He lets out a rasp of a breath, consciousness slipping back in. He's adorable, she thinks, as his eyelids unfold and upon recognizing his surroundings, smiling lazily. 

She grins back at him, his smile is infectious and she doesn't think she'll ever get used to it. "Good morning." She says and pecks his lips, cheeks rosy.

His gaze is full of awe, "Do you have anything to do?" His voice is sensual, altered by sleep and her heart skips. 

"I work in three hours." He hums, the vibrations seeping through her skin. "You?"

"No." He answers definitively. There's a shy but comfortable silence that takes over, both content but Rey thinks that now, she'd like to talk about that life, the one she can't talk about with anyone else. 

"I was starting to think I was mad." He lifts himself from her shoulder, stares at her on his elbows. "About the memories." 

A few heartbeats later, "I've gone to so many therapists I've lost count. M-my mother," Rey tries not to react to that. "She was convinced that they'd fix me." He inhales and she waits for him to continue. "Fix me," He grits. "Pills don't take away old poison engraved into your skull, they don't erase the blood on your hands, they don't take away the last look your father gave you, or- or the corpse of-" 

She put her hands on his face, tried to make it focus on her, "Ben, Ben, I'm here." He breathed out. "I'm sorry you went through that alone..." His arms were around her, their bodies hugging, the hearts in their chests alive and singing. 

After some time, Ben pulled back. His voice was clearer now, and more stable. "Tell me what happened after..."

So it was her turn.

She hardly thought he had that intent, he genuinely wanted to know more of her life, ignoring the fact that he hadn't been part of it anymore. 

But he was wrong. 

"The uh-" Her throat was tightening? "War was over. People celebrated. Everyone was really happy," She couldn't tell him about how she had tried to tell everyone what he did and they only cared that he died. "I made my own lightsaber." She smiles a bit at the memory. "It was yellow."

"Of course it was." He mumbles softly. She guesses the words between the lines. _I wish I had seen you with it._

She clears her throat. "I went to Tattoine." His brows furrow at this. "I wanted to see Luke's home, your grandfather's. I called myself Rey Skywalker at first," She tries to read his expression but finds she can't, so she gives up and moves on with the storytelling. "It felt fake afterwards. I taught as- just Rey. Any Force sensitive seeking guidance. Not just the light. Not just peace. I knew better than try to sell more lies to craft inhuman soldiers. There is peace but there's also anger and sadness and passion," Her fingers trailed around his lips. 

"Why deny that?" She smiled with her eyes and she found admiration in his. "Mostly, I missed you." 

His mouth opens. "Y-you did?"

Courage to answer him was hard to find. 

"Ten years later when a mother with a dead son in her arms came to find me, I decided it was time to see you again."

The strike that ripped through his face was invisible, but so evident she winced along. He rolled over, turned his back to her and took his face in his palms. At loss for what to do, she rose from her pillow and sat up, pulling the duvet. 

The more he didn't move, the more worried she became. "I'm- sorry."

At that, he turned back to look at her, but her gaze was at the comforter, and she was fidgeting. "Rey," She heard but didn't look up. She felt his fingertips graze her cheek and she slowly looked at him. 

Glazed eyes, trembling lips, "I love you." 

It hit her like nothing else ever had. No one had told her those words before. Ever. Not even in her dreams. 

Hair falling back to the pillow, she lost her breath.

Kisses on her lips, groans of frustration against her throat, teeth in her flesh. "So beautiful," Arms grabbing at her thighs. "Beautiful, beautiful Rey." He sucked at her pulse, lower and lower, all the unmarked and marked skin she had.

Did gods ever get to feel this worshipped? 

He had no experience but he had aching want and need to fulfill this woman in every way possible. She, that deserved more than she ever got, a goddess the galaxy couldn't have won if it tried ten times over. 

She gasped and moaned as she felt him in parts of her no one else had ever touched but herself. 

They gave him satisfaction- satisfaction that his goddess was finally being pleasured, satisfaction that it was him and nobody else giving it to her. 

The acts of the night were only a small sample of all the things he wanted to do with her, of all the ways he wanted to do them. He'd make up for all the days she was alone in the fucking sand again. 

Ben had fallen and Rey had caught him. Ben would catch her forever. 

Once her knees stopped shaking and he took care of his own arousal in seconds, he stole the sheet and went to the bathroom.

She stood and laughed in amazement. 

She picked what was left of the bedding, plus her clothes and when she heard the bathroom door open again, she ran inside. 

Could easily be called the quickest shower she's ever done, not wanting to part with him. 

When she walked back inside her room, he was dressed and sitting the foot of the bed. She hadn't even looked at the time but she was aware that soon she'd have to leave for work. 

She faced him and threaded her fingers through his damp hair. 

"How does Paris sound?" 

She did a double take. "What?" She exclaimed. 

"Right well, Egypt is out of the question-"

She huffed in confusion. "What are you talking about, Ben?"

His eyes were determined. "Let's go. Let's just leave, let's travel."

She laughed at the sudden suggestion. 

"I want you to see everything, at least in this world." He talked like he had to convince her, eyes begging. "I can't fucking accept that you spent most of your life in shitty deserts and this shithole of a city."

She took her hands away. "I-" The truth was that he was offering one of the closest things she'd had of a wish for this life. And she couldn't believe it was this easy. "I have a job-"

"I want to give you everything you want." That shut her up. "Is your job something you want more than flying away?" 

She whined, "No, but-" 

"I can have tickets booked in a second," There was a faint smirk. "By the end of the day you can be swimming in Mexico, eating in Rome, walking through Tokyo," She covered her eyes, giggling and he held her waist so she didn't slip away. "Or just sleeping in California."

"Stop it, how can we even, I'd have to tell Rose! My boss, my friends."

He shook his head. "Call while you're packing."

"Ben!" He grinned and he leaned up to kiss her, they were both smiling too hard so it didn't last a lot. "Are you really serious?"

"I have many suitcases in my house. You can use one, two or three." She made a gurgling noise. 

"I don't even think I have that many clothes! And what are you, a millionaire?" She joked. 

"You'll find a politician, a pilot and a boring company make you act like one." 

It passed her mind that no logical person would ever run away with someone this quickly, even if they knew them long and that she has not felt logical, not really, not very much, in this life or the other. 

She didn't ask about the company, she knew the answer. He wanted to be a novelist and his parents pressured him to have a job with not only stable income but a good amount of it. 

He came into her life and bombed it with color and possibilities. And this violence of euphoria was never given to her for enough time, it became sand escaping through the cracks in her hands time and time again. 

"For how long?" She asked. 

"As much as you want, sweetheart." _As much as you want._ _I want to give you everything you want._

"I have a house in the Alps, too." He teasingly bit her lip, like she had bitten his.

She could envision it; the green, the forests, the rivers, the skyscrapers, the architecture. The smells, the tastes, the art. The snow, the fireplace, his warmth, his love. 

He offered her his hand.

What was this city for her? A pile of cement and broken hope for something better. Years of waiting adding up. What could possibly be keeping her here? Finn and Poe? They would be fine without her, she reached to this conclusion once before, it was not hard to do it again. Everyone was living their journey. 

Now it was time for her to live hers.

"Run away with me?" 

**Author's Note:**

> I love them, your honor
> 
> If many of u want a bonus chapter maybe you'll get it who knows


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